Thighbrate

I'm pretty sure that I am evolving much more quickly than most. I'm not referring to the abnormal size of my dome, or my unbelievable cat-like reflexes, or my pretty rare double uvuella, or my indestructible lower abdomen (due to the repair of four...yes four hernias with some crazy mesh material), or even my uncanny and always entertaining ability to create fart noises with my hands and any concave part of my body...or other people's hands. Nope. Those are all subject matter for other future blogs. The hyper-evolutionary phenomenon i'm speaking of is my body's undiscovered adaptation to everyone's favorite communication device...the cellular telephone.

I've got one...and it's basically the cheapest phone that Verizon offerred with significant instant and mail-in rebates upon our latest share plan renewal. So it mostly resides either in my left leg's front pocket, or plugged into the charger on my bedstand at home. This is where it gets interesting.

I always have my phone on vibrate. There is no reason to turn on the annoying ringer since my left front thigh is plenty sensitive to the vibrating signal. And I feel much more sohpisticated when I pull out my phone after it signals...and anyone that might be with me has no idea whether i'm answering a call, checking the time, or about to make a call. It makes me even more mysterious than I already appear. And I suppose that's the goal, right?

Over the last few months, my mysterious world has gradually shifted into what some might consider paranormal. The part of my left front thigh that has the most interaction with my cell phone has begun to vibrate. Yeah. That's weird. My thigh vibrates, sort of like a muscle spasm...but more of a vibration. It's the same exact sensation as my cell phone vibrating against that 2"x 3" section of my leg! But it happens for a few seconds at a time...randomly...when i'm not carrying my cell phone. Weird.

So, my time-tested scientific conclusion is simple: In 3.26 years or less, my left front leg will have evolved into a fully-functioning signaling device for cellular signals. Meaning...not only, will I be even more mysterious...but I won't need to carry my cell phone in that pocket any longer. Just plant some device in my vocal cords and slap a blue-tooth on my ear...and i'm good to go. Well...maybe the blue-tooth is going a bit far (they are even more annoying than loud ringers.)

Prayer...doggie style

I'm with three of my favorite people...(don't worry...i have other favorite people too...if you're not included in the following list). Andrew Peters, J. Ware, and Kathy Roberts. We're all at Kathy Roberts' house in her living room. Her two Jack Russells named Chase and Taffy were...well...they were being Jack Russells. Not exactly an Owens family favorite species. (or should i say "sub-species"?) Believe it or not, we were working...discussing the direction of JR and SR high ministry at Crossroads. Don't ask why were in Kathy's living room.

This is a day that Kathy, J. and I had been looking forward to for quite awhile...and we drug Andrew into it at the last minute. So, Kathy begins our meeting with a sort of agenda for the day, and then proceeds to jump right into the discussion. And being the pious and always-on-task Christian youth leader that I am, I suggested that we should start the meeting with a prayer. That seemed like a logical thing to do...ask God to lead us and all. Everyone quickly agrees after such an oversight, and I launch into my prayer.

So i'm praying...out loud. And i'm feelin' it. Really. No crazy stuff...i'm just into it. The words are flowing, and i'm not sure how to describe it...but my humble petition to the Lord seems to be just the right way to start our meeting. I thanked God for everyone in the room. I confessed that we were all feeling a little anxious to see where our ministry was headed. And I invited God to show up in our words and thoughts as we worked together to follow him as a team that really loves JR and SR high kids.

So i'm still praying and Chase and Taffy (dogs) have really taken to me. I noticed - with my eyes closed, of course - that they are climbing on me, and maybe they're fighting with each other...you know...the way dogs do when they play. But since my eyes are closed, and my mind is focused on Jesus, I'm really not totally aware of Chase and Taffy's actual positions. And just as i'm launching into my prayer's sincere close...there is laughter. Then repetitive, short-haired, furry friction...occurring in the space between my calves and the front of the chair i'm sitting in (head bowed). And when i say "repetitive friction"...well...i'm talking about doggie sex. Chase behind Taffy behind my legs...while i'm praying.

So...my humble prayer was interrupted by roaring laughter and doggie sex. Perfect.
An ideal beginning for a meeting that held the potential to change the course of youth ministry at Crossroads.

Nothing better.
PO

Naked Matador

It took me a couple of days to process this...it happened so fast.

I workout at a gym called Revolution. It's right across the street from my work - very convenient. I love to work out..but somedays i'm actually more excited about taking my daily shower after a good workout. I really appreciate the showers at Revolution. There are just four stalls...each with a curtain that makes a satisfying sound as you enter and exit. Each stall is also very large for one person, has a shiny towel hook, and convenient trio of dispensers containing shampoo, conditioner and body wash. There are plenty of places to hang my bathroom bag containing all of my personal necessities (deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste, face razor, head razor, shave gel, aftershave...). And the water from the shower head always comes out with plenty of pressure and heat. I take extra long showers at the gym because it's a great time to think...and I shave my head and brush my teeth in the shower...so it adds a few minutes. So now that you have a picture of me taking a shower (sorry)...fast forward a few minutes to when i have turned off the water, dried off, hung my wet towel over the front of the stall, and have started to apply my ineffective Old Spice Red Zone deodorant. This is when the actual story begins...

I'm the only one in the showers at this time, but i can hear a couple of loud voices of guys talking around the corner by the lockers. Then it sounds to me like they leave the locker room. And about five seconds later, the shower curtain to my stall whips open as if it were in the hands of a skilled but scared matador. I'm standing their with one arm lifted and covered in nothing but a single layer of deodorant (under my arm). A completely naked man holding a towel (definitely not a matador) enters my stall without even considering a quick glance up to see where he's going. As he steps in, I blurt, "Hey!" And he then realizes that he has entered the ONLY stall that was in use...and the ONLY stall with a person in it...a naked person! He quickly apologizes and turns to leave. So now, i've not only seen his frontal view...but also his unclad backside.

I could go on and on about how this scenario is surprisingly absurd...and that i can't imagine how anyone could make that mistake in a men's locker room. But I won't. However, I do think it's worth mentioning this as a closing thought. Even when you think you're alone. Even when there are three other stalls completely open and available! Naked privacy is never guaranteed when there is nothing between you and any other unaware naked men but a wispy white shower curtain...no matter how satisfying the sound it makes upon entry.