Thighbrate

I'm pretty sure that I am evolving much more quickly than most. I'm not referring to the abnormal size of my dome, or my unbelievable cat-like reflexes, or my pretty rare double uvuella, or my indestructible lower abdomen (due to the repair of four...yes four hernias with some crazy mesh material), or even my uncanny and always entertaining ability to create fart noises with my hands and any concave part of my body...or other people's hands. Nope. Those are all subject matter for other future blogs. The hyper-evolutionary phenomenon i'm speaking of is my body's undiscovered adaptation to everyone's favorite communication device...the cellular telephone.

I've got one...and it's basically the cheapest phone that Verizon offerred with significant instant and mail-in rebates upon our latest share plan renewal. So it mostly resides either in my left leg's front pocket, or plugged into the charger on my bedstand at home. This is where it gets interesting.

I always have my phone on vibrate. There is no reason to turn on the annoying ringer since my left front thigh is plenty sensitive to the vibrating signal. And I feel much more sohpisticated when I pull out my phone after it signals...and anyone that might be with me has no idea whether i'm answering a call, checking the time, or about to make a call. It makes me even more mysterious than I already appear. And I suppose that's the goal, right?

Over the last few months, my mysterious world has gradually shifted into what some might consider paranormal. The part of my left front thigh that has the most interaction with my cell phone has begun to vibrate. Yeah. That's weird. My thigh vibrates, sort of like a muscle spasm...but more of a vibration. It's the same exact sensation as my cell phone vibrating against that 2"x 3" section of my leg! But it happens for a few seconds at a time...randomly...when i'm not carrying my cell phone. Weird.

So, my time-tested scientific conclusion is simple: In 3.26 years or less, my left front leg will have evolved into a fully-functioning signaling device for cellular signals. Meaning...not only, will I be even more mysterious...but I won't need to carry my cell phone in that pocket any longer. Just plant some device in my vocal cords and slap a blue-tooth on my ear...and i'm good to go. Well...maybe the blue-tooth is going a bit far (they are even more annoying than loud ringers.)